It's Quistie Day! To some people, this may mean "Thursday," but to the people in the know (aka the cool kids), this is a day dedicated to the wonderful, the marvelous, the talented quistie64. Yes, yes, Max, things have been awful for you ever since quistie and I joined that mutual appreciation society. Don't stop running on that hamster wheel. The Dr Pepper fountain's not gonna run itself.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I asked quistie to write a second Brain Lint column about Chuck vs. the Zoom, and she wonderfully complied. Unfortunately, she complied in November, which is a bad month. My already scatter-brainedness shoots through the roof. So this literally sat in my inbox since she sent it.
But it's Quistie Day! Which means I get to post it. Do you need some marital advice? Are you a spy at the beginning of your career in the corporate sector for the first time? Are you married to an equally hot spy and need some tips on how to make the marriage work? Don't worry, quistie has you covered...after the break!
So apparently the adjustments to my cybernetic brain implants are still not quite right as the MBO asked me to write down some more of my brain lint. Personally, I think I’m one of her first test subject in her evil plan to take over the world… Ow! Man, those electric shocks are a bit unsettling. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. Brain lint.
It seems that the idea of Chuck trying to buy Sarah’s dream house for her and surprise her with it in 5.01 “Chuck vs. the Zoom” elicited some strong reactions amongst viewers, especially those who are married. That strong reaction was, “Don’t make a huge, life changing purchase without consulting your spouse!” Yes, it was a sweet gesture, but buying a house is a huge deal and it’s really something that needs to be done together as a couple. Based on his sweet but misguided idea, I thought it might be a good idea if I gave Chuck some marital advice from a wife’s point of view.
Now, I’m no Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Ruth or Dr. Pepper. I’m more of a Dr. Jekyll. But I have been married for awhile, so this is advice given from experience. Chuck, I’m talking to you now, buddy.
1. As I said in the introduction, don’t make any huge purchases without involving your spouse. At the top of this list, of course, is the purchase of a house.
(Brain lint rant: At the end of the episode, Chuck and Sarah have a sweet moment together in front of her dream house. Chuck: “If I bought it yesterday with our fortune, we’d own it. But now…” *Sigh* Buying a house in California is not like buying a pack of gum, or even a car for that matter. My husband and I bought a house in California and there’s this little thing called “escrow.” The earliest they could have actually owned the house would be thirty, more likely sixty, days from the time their offer was accepted by the seller, so no, they wouldn’t have owned it the next day. The negotiations, the inspections, the financial rectal exams and the paperwork are stressful, arduous and stressful. Did I mention stressful? Plus, she needs to be there to sign the reams of paperwork at the closing. And don’t even get me started on the fact that California is a community property state and how the grant deed should be worded.)
2. Jewelry does not fall under the above category and can always be purchased without prior consent. Actually, it’s better if it is a surprise. Diamonds are always nice. Sapphires match her eyes.
3. Another acceptable surprise is a romantic getaway weekend where you wisk her away to some wonderful hideaway. Glendale does not count.
4. Going to Comicon is not a romantic getaway. Now, since she loves you, Chuck, she’d be willing to go with you and there are a lot of wonderful things to do in San Diego. But ask her on this one. Also, this does not fulfill paragraph 3, above.
5. Never compare your wife's cooking to your mother's/sister's unless it's as a compliment to Sarah. Seriously, that which lies on the plate before you can look like something a Klingon would drool over. It might even still be alive. Tough luck. Choke it down. Even if she says, “It’s okay, honey. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.” Don’t fall for it! This is a no win situation for you so suck it up and gag it down!
6. Sometimes wives really do have headaches. Just saying.
7. You know that piece of crap car you've had since forever that you love so much? The one that needs a complete engine rebuild? It's not worth it! Get rid of it. (Wait! Sorry. That was a flashback to my own first year of marriage.)
8. Make sure there is always chocolate in the house. Take this advice to heart. Nothing says “I love you” more than dark chocolate that was hidden away.
9. Women use both sides of their brains at the same time. Men, not as much. If she has a feeling about something, trust it. (Seriously, there’s this thing that happens in utero to a developing male fetus called a “testosterone wash” which causes the corpus callosum (the pipeline that allows the two hemispheres of the brain to talk to each other) to be "damaged." Therefore, women think differently than men. Men tend to be more logical and sequential. Women usually see the world in a more "holistic" way, seeing the interconnections between things that perhaps men don't. As we are fond of saying around here, "Women think with both sides of their brains at the same time." But I digress.)
10. You don't always have to fix it. Sometimes she just needs you to listen. Seriously.
11. No wife wants a kitchen appliance for any kind of gift, ever. See paragraph 2, above.
12. Dude, ditch the t-shirt in bed.
13. You know that lingerie you like for Sarah to wear so much. Really not that comfortable. Learn to embrace the cotton.
14. Don’t listen to your unmarried friends (Morgan, Buy Morons) about how best to interact with your wife. They have no idea. About anything, really.
Well, there you go. There’s my unscientific, nonprofessional and certainly not exhaustive list of marital advice for the newly married Chuck. What do you think? And feel free to add to the list.
I have the feeling it’s time for another adjustment…