Frea here. Man, I'm so glad I'm stuck in quistie's basement because if I weren't, I would have gone to five or six different mattress stores today, bought a mattress, moved two beds, four bookshelves, a dresser, all of my clothes, and a bunch of bags all named "Random Bag" into my apartment and darn it all, I'd be sorer than the tail of a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Also, I'd probably be talking like I'm from the deep south, now that I'm thinking about.
Good thing I'm stuck in quistie's basement and didn't have to endure any of that. To celebrate the fact that it's Saturday, and to give you a little taste of what a coordinated project would be like, quistie and I put our brilliant heads together and came up with this little ditty.
Sung to the tune “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
The first time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The second time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The third time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The fourth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The fifth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The sixth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The seventh time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The eighth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: eight scrotum bashings, seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The ninth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: nine lethal stabbings, eight scrotum bashings, seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The tenth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: ten nun-chuck whackings, nine lethal stabbings, eight scrotum bashings, seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The eleventh time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: eleven vipers biting, ten nun-chuck whackings, nine lethal stabbings, eight scrotum bashings, seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
The twelfth time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: twelve Mask rewatchings, eleven vipers biting, ten nun-chuck whackings, nine lethal stabbings, eight scrotum bashings, seven bullets ripping, six pikes impaling, five incinerations, four ricin pellets, three liver stabs, two Verbanski bombs and a drop from the twelfth story with no parachute!
Aren't we awesome? If you're a little puzzled by the sudden resurgence of all of the Shaw hate, good job at staying away from spoilers. I mean—uh, whoops. *innocent look*
— Frea
We're up to $1768 raised for Sing for a Smile! If you're inspired by the wonderful collaboration you saw today, maybe kick in a few bucks to let a child smile? *pathetic look* And to everybody that's helped and donated or even just spread the word, I cannot say this enough: thank you!!!!!!!!
Can I just say that this is absolutely PERFECT!!!! I LOVED it!!!! And I think I'm going to memorize this and start singing this until that episode airs so I feel better about the fact the scum of the earth aka Shaw, is coming back!!!
ReplyDelete~Madje Knotts
If Sarah gets to kill Shaw on the show I might consider his return justified. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteMy bad guy rule #1: He's not dead until he's been impaled. It works in a surprising number of movies. Glad to see it on your list.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mention this in the post, which was really awful of me, but this idea came from the fabulous Neil N. quistie and I just ran with it.
ReplyDeleteAhahaha!
ReplyDeleteAnon's right tho, anything less than an impalement is just a flesh wound. Sarah should carry a spear at all times from now on. Altough blowing up someone works pretty well as Verbanski demonstrated, just make sure the target is less than a meter away from the bomb.
-SH
PS. Am I really the only who's actually a bit excited about having Shaw coming back? I see some potential with it and the writers have really stepped up this season, not to mention the chance of having Shaw impaled.
No, you're not the only one. But I will say this here: Shaw doesn't need to come back. His storyline got closure. First Chuck killed him, then he was zombiefied, and thrown in prison in a way that made Chuck's story arc complete.
ReplyDeleteSo the closure's been had, and even though I know life is messy and we rarely get our closure to stick, it should have stuck here. Why? Because Shaw was a terrible idea from the get-go and I don't understand why the writers can't get that.
@Speedhoven, bomb proximity is crucial. In the most recent Sanctuary (why did I start watching that show?), a couple of the good guys survived a massive bomb explosion by getting in a van near the center of the blast radius.
ReplyDeleteThere is always the Shaun of the Dead zombie approach: "by removing the head or destroying the brain." That should be AND not OR, because the headless monks and Dorium Maldovar survived simple beheadings in Doctor Who.
You guys aren't nearly ambitious enough. If you want to be sure Shaw's dead, first you cut off the head, then you throw the whole corpse in an industrial incinerator or a vat of acid. The key thing is to destroy all the genetic material. :P
ReplyDeleteAs many times as Sarah had to kill Shaw in the song, the thing that finally did him in was the twelve rewatchings of "Mask." It caused his brain to liquified and dribble out his ears (it was only a tablespoon of fluid as he as the brains of a duck, you know). This should stop any zombie concerns.
ReplyDelete@Ayefah, in Farscape, John Critchon survived his severed head being thrown into a vat of acid. He was turned into a statue first, which helped protect him, so your plan would probably work.
ReplyDeleteGotta agree with Ayefah. Impalement's not so certain because of the vampire possibility.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Shaw's return won't be so bad. I think we really hate him for trying to stop Charah - don't see that happening now!
Nope, I hate him because he was an ineffectual character and the storytellers' weaknesses all rolled up into one wooden ball of "I can only act in some situations."
ReplyDeleteIt would have been awesome if it turned out that bryce was behind the whole thing, but Matt Bomer actually has talent and is on another show. I was a little stunned to see that Shaw is back, but not at all surprised that Mr plywood was available.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit... I can't quite get the first one to work with the tune in my head - it's too long. And as everyone hates it when people say 'I didn't like that' and don't give a suggestion on how it might have worked better... How about:
ReplyDelete'The first time she killed him, Ms. Walker gave to Shaw: defenestration from the twelfth floor!' (or 'story' if you're really attached to that word ;))
Actually, I'm going to extend that to more of this... I really hate to say I'm not happy with your work, but when you're changing the words to a song you need to pay attention to the beat - syllables per line and whatnot! It's important!
ReplyDeleteSeriously guys, I love your work. And you're showing some great imagination here (and with the subject of choice, I don't see how you wouldn't be inspired). But switching the words to a song requires attention being paid to the details.
Anonymous, have the line read, "A cap put into his left knee."
ReplyDelete@quistue64 that would work :-)
ReplyDeleteBut what about your twist on 'Five golden rings'? You're still two syllables over with 'incinerations.'