Sarah Walker here. Yes, THE Sarah Walker.
This Frea bitch let me take over her blog. Well, okay, my new honesty policy with the love of my life and the Provider of the Plowing means I have to tell the truth: I kidnapped Frea O’Freaking Scanlin and shoved her in a closet, took over her blog, and decorated it with pictures of yours truly. I forgot to duck tape the bitch’s mouth shut, though, so I can still hear her rendition of every single hit song from the first season of Glee. Appropriate and yet, I don’t really want to let her loose. She’s lucky to be alive, that brunette skank.
Hey, shut up in there! I swear, if you start singing anymore Lady Gaga, I'm going to take this keyboard and beat you with it! And don't think I haven't missed the irony in beating you to death with the same tool you're using to write Fates!
Do you see what I have to put up with just so that I can grace you with my presence? Oh, and believe me, you have no idea how lucky you are. I could be getting plowed right now, and yet here I am, informing you all about why I'm here. I bet there's quite the number of brunette bitches out there among you, too.
It's a new thing I'm trying. Being understanding, I mean. Chuck tells me to picture us having sex in my head whenever I get the urge to kill and it's sort of working but all I end up doing is daydreaming about sex all day and where was I? Oh right, why I'm here. Because it's my birthday and I wanted to celebrate with you, my adoring fans.
Yeah, that's right. Today, I am one freaking year old! And in that time, I have killed approximately 87.5 skanks (one was an accident, but she was still a brunette, so it counts for half). And you know why, bitches? Because they were sniffing after my man. That will teach the Ladies' Auxiliary of Burbank to have computer problems. Prissy skanks were fun to kill in the end. They had more fight in them than you'd expect from an Auxiliary League, but they had to go. They were eying my man! Do people just not get the memo? I swear I had Casey send it out to everybody, and if the NSA is slacking again, I swear I'm going to take my knife and shove it right up his--
What? Are you sure? Damn it! How do you--fiiiiine. Frea says I've already done that and it would be uncreative to kill the same way twice. I'll think of another fitting death for Sir Grunts A Lot. What the hell? Now she's telling me that I need to hurry up. I'm going to kill her!
Sarah? Sarah, where are you?
Just a second, Chuck! I'm just about to commit some dramatic irony. You'll never abuse your minions ever again, Frea.
What's that, Chuck? You want to plow me now? Oh fine, I guess the bludgeoning will have to wait. Make no mistake, though, this blog is now mine.
I hope you all enjoy what I've done to the place. And you better watch out. If I find out any of you are looking at my Chuck, I'll find you. Trust me, I've done it before.
Later, bitches! It's plowing time!